Does anyone really know who writes these Patterson books? Does anyone care?

(Note: This is a rerun--but an old favorite). 

Tomorrow is July 4th––Independence Day in the US. It’s my absolute favorite holiday. Not because of any red-blooded patriotic thing––but because of all the gaudy American holidays, this one requires very little in the way of preparation or décor. I don’t have to stuff a turkey, cut down a tree, hang lights or buy vast amounts of chocolate. You get to basically avoid a lot of base commercial crassness and just blow up stuff. How American is that?

My favorite 4th of all time was in 1976. (I was a swaggering eight years old). The Bicentennial was a very big deal. Plus the Vietnam War was over, so even stoned-out hippies who'd been protesting the war a year earlier, now rode shirtless in the back of pick-up trucks waving flags––yelling Happy Birthday America! It was beautiful.

But, like Iraqi insurgents, we cleverly removed the bases from our Golden Smokes (like a Piccolo Pete, but less dangerous) launching them, bouncing and smoking into said hippies during the 4th of July parade. But our aim was off. Instead we smoked out a junior high marching band. No injuries or arrests were reported. In retrospect, with all the patchouli oil involved, it’s a miracle one of those poor shirtless fools didn’t spontaneously combust. (Please, kids, don't try the Piccolo Pete thing at home. It's quite dangerous).

Anyway, in good conscience I really can’t tout the 4th without mentioning another, lonely forgotten holiday in the month of July. So without further adieu, I give you:

July 20ish––Chinese Valentine’s Day. Technically it’s the 7th day of the 7th lunar cycle, so the actual day is a little slippery. The legend reads like a letter to Penthouse Forum: The Goddess of Heaven had seven gorgeous daughters, who decided to bathe, naked, in a river. (As you can tell, a guy, invented this holiday). A cow herder named Niu Lang, which I think means, "Where’s my Viagra?" in Mandarin, came by and took their clothes, and probably a few snapshots with his digital camera. The daughters decided that Zhi Nü, the youngest and most beautiful should go confront him. But when Niu Lang saw her naked, they had to get married, and subsequently fell madly in love. How’s that work? Naked—have to get married—then love? Just like Spring Break in Daytona.

Okay, I’m done. I now return you to your previously scheduled holiday. Have fun. Be safe. Don’t lose an eyeball.

(And lest I be too jingoistic. Happy Bastille Day to Aliette, Happy Independence Day (next month) to Bhaswati Ghosh, and a belated Austrailia Day to Amra Pajalic and Daniel Hatadi.